


if it hurts every moment then it must be love

by Martsa



Category: One Piece
Genre: 5 Times, 5+1 Things, Character Study, Denial of Feelings, Feelings Realization, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Pining Vinsmoke Sanji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 11:42:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18570763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Martsa/pseuds/Martsa
Summary: 5 times Sanji thinks about his relationship with Zoro + the one time he decides to actually talk about his feelings.





	if it hurts every moment then it must be love

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to write a simple "5 + 1 times" type of fic centered around different places but it somehow turned into a combination of a character study and a shippy fic? I don't even know. Anyway, this ship makes my heart smile & Sanji is the goodest boy there ever was and I love him and refuse to acknowledge some of the stupid things Oda has made him do. #NotMySanji 
> 
> The title is from Intoxicated by The Cab, which is a pretty cheesy and generic love song but still somehow resonates with me because I'm a hopeless romantic.
> 
> A shout-out to my sister for making me watch One Piece with her; if it wasn't for her, this fic would not exist. 
> 
> (Also, if you're reading this, JJ, please don't read the rest of my fics, most of them are A) porn and B) not very good and as your sister, I don't want to expose you to that, you may be 21 but you're _still mY BABY SISTER-_ )

1) Baratie

 

It is decidedly not love at first sight.

Truth be told, Sanji does not know what it is about Zoro that rubs him the wrong way. He has dealt with some really nasty guys over the years, people who are objectively way more annoying and have absolutely no manners or dignity, but something about the swordsman really makes his blood boil. It’s something of a knee-jerk reaction; Sanji doesn’t mean to fly off the handle like that, he just _does_.

Maybe someone has put a curse on him and made him run into a guy who’s particularly good at getting under his skin. Sanji has to admit that he has pissed off a relatively large number of people during his time on the Baratie, so this could be some bad karma. Some really, really bad karma.

Or maybe they just happen to be like oil and water, simply too different to get along. They say that some people are bound to be together by fate. Perhaps they are bound not to stand the sight of each other. It’s probably a thing that happens; after all, aren’t love and hate two sides of the same coin?

Or maybe it’s because the longer he looks at Zoro, the more he wants to kiss him and it’s making him extremely confused.

If he’s being honest, it’s probably that.

Sanji likes women. Of course he does. He has always liked women. Women are soft and beautiful and he likes being around them and making them happy, and so he always assumed he was exclusively into women. It is one of the few simple things in his life that he has never had to question.

Not until a certain insufferable moss-head had the _nerve_ to crash into his life and suddenly make him reconsider his sexual orientation, at least.

As much as he wants to deny it, the fact of the matter is that something about Zoro makes Sanji feel things he has never felt towards a man before.

He has seen a lot of strong men, sure, but no one he’s ever met has given off the same kind of energy Zoro does. He exudes strength, both mental and physical, and Sanji wants to know exactly how strong he is, wants to know what it feels like to be pinned against the wall by those arms, to feel that torso pressing up against his back, to have those hands wrapping around his neck as Zoro whispers the filthiest things in his ear…

Just thinking about it makes him hot and bothered.

Sanji does not like these thoughts. Well, technically that’s a lie. He likes them but he doesn’t _want_ to like them. He doesn’t _want_ to want Zoro as much as he does.

Wanting Zoro and hating his guts aren’t mutually exclusive, though. In fact, these feelings only make Sanji dislike him more. Zoro may not be aware of what he’s doing to him – he probably isn’t – but that isn’t going to stop Sanji from holding him responsible for it.

Joining this crew was probably an incredibly poor decision on his part.

 

* * *

 

 

2) Thriller Bark

 

When Sanji finds Zoro, only to discover that he’s covered in and surrounded by an alarming amount of blood that probably used to belong to him, he does not panic.

He has learned that panicking does not solve anything. Don’t freak out, don’t scream, don’t cry, it has never helped you before and it’s not going to help you now.

_Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Act, don’t feel._

He forces Zoro to lean on his shoulder – despite Zoro’s muttered protests – and helps him make his way back to the others. He alerts Chopper and makes sure the doctor does not panic when he sees the state Zoro is in and takes care of him instead. Then talks to Luffy to figure out if there’s anything else he can help with, considering that he’s in a relatively good shape, all things considered.

Throughout all this, he stays calm and rational. He does not let the shock hit him, keeps himself busy so that the has no time to get too worried, focuses on using his hands rather than his brain. That’s how he copes with things. That’s how he has always coped with things.

_Act, don’t feel._

He manages to keep himself together up until the moment he sees Zoro again.

Seeing him lying there, all bandaged up and passed out, forces Sanji to face the reality of the situation. That, in turn, makes his breath catch in his throat and his blood run cold. Zoro is still alive and Chopper says he’s going to pull through and yes, that’s a huge relief – but he also kind of looks like he could just stop breathing at any given moment.

 _That idiot._ Sanji grits his teeth and looks away from Zoro as he lights a cigarette with trembling hands and hopes that no one notices how just shaken he is.

He should have known that Zoro would go and do something reckless like that. For whatever reason that absolute moron of a swordsman seems to have a fetish for trying to sacrifice his life or limbs for others, considering how many times he has attempted something like that so far. It’s just a matter of time before he succeeds and does something irreversible.

What kind of idiot would stop Sanji from sacrificing himself and willingly take his place? Does Zoro even realize what he’s doing? Does he not realize that his life is worth so much more than Sanji’s? Hell, Sanji’s life is absolutely worthless compared to everyone else’s. He would happily die for his friends but he’s never going to let anyone die for him.

Especially Zoro. Sanji doesn’t think he could ever move on from that.

Not that he would say it out loud, but Zoro means a lot to him. They fight all the time, yes, but somehow that has paved the way for something… different. There’s not a word for what he feels towards Zoro, but he wants that feeling to stay. He wants it to keep growing so that it can continue to develop, wants to know what will become of it – and that is never going to happen if Zoro gets himself killed, which is why Zoro needs to stop doing stupid shit like this.

“How can anyone be as stupid as you?” Sanji mutters to himself and puts out his cigarette. “You better be okay or I’m going to kick your ass.”

 

* * *

 

 

3) Sabaody

 

If Sanji had time to actually think about what he is feeling, if every last one of his rational thoughts wasn’t focused on staying alive and making sure that his friends also stay alive, he would probably feel guilty about how he’s much more worried about Zoro than the rest of the crew.

It makes absolutely no sense – he knows that Zoro can handle himself. Nami and Usopp are the ones he should be scared for, they are the ones least capable of protecting themselves, but for some reason he can only bring himself to worry about Zoro.

Under different circumstances these thoughts might lead him to some sort of revelation, but unfortunately he’s too busy for such things right now.

Even though seeing Usopp disappear right in front of his eyes fills Sanji with both anger and terror, the last thing that crosses his mind before he is sent off by Kuma is, “Please, God, let Zoro be okay.”

 

* * *

 

 

4) Kamabakka Kingdom (Momoiro Island)

 

Being stuck on the island for such a long time give forces Sanji to reflect on things. It’s a double-edged sword – being in this environment and finally having some time to be alone with his own thoughts has helped him clear his mind and come to terms with certain things, but it has also forced him to face things he has been trying to avoid. His relationship with Zoro is one of those things.

He has tried his hardest to not be anything like the rest of his family, to forget everything about the way he was brought up, but he now realizes that there are things he was still carrying with him. Ideas about what a man should and should not be like, what being a man meant.

_Boys don’t cry. Boys don’t wear pink. Boys like girls, but boys don’t act like girls._

Liking men, according to his father, was not a part of being a “real man”. While his father never said it with those exact words, he always implied that liking women was an integral part of being a man. Sanji now realizes that even though he has tried his hardest to not be like his father and be his own person instead, that lesson always stuck with him, hiding somewhere in the back of his mind.

He’s not sure why it never occurred to him before. Maybe chose to turn a blind eye to it because he didn’t want to be anything like this father. Maybe he didn’t want to admit that something his father once said had actually affected him in such a major way. Be that as it may, Sanji now feels like he’s finally ready to leave those things behind.

He is starting to realize that during most of his fights with Zoro he was actually just fighting his own feelings. He was angry because he was so confused and scared and thought that pushing Zoro away would solve the problem. In hindsight that seems like an absolutely terrible plan, but back then it seemed like a perfect solution; if they hated each other, he would never have to deal with feelings toward Zoro, right?

Because he _does_ have feelings towards Zoro, and he’s finally ready to admit that.

At first it was just lust, pure physical attraction – and while that aspect is still there, it’s not the only thing he feels towards Zoro anymore. He wants to get to know Zoro better, to get to actually _know_ him. He wants to understands why Zoro is the way he is and why he behaves the way he does. Why is he so loyal to his friends, why is always so willing to put himself in harm’s way to save others, why does he seem to care so little for his own life? What makes him tick?

He has so many questions he wants to ask. There are so many things he wants to learn about Zoro. He tries not to think about it too much, though, because his heart aches a little whenever he does.

Sanji is pretty sure that he didn’t end up on this island by chance. It must have been fate. He is more than ready to admit that he hated being here at first, but the “you’re only happy if you get to be yourself” sort of attitude that surrounds him has actually had a positive effect on him. You could say that it was the thing that forced him to take the first step on his journey to self-acceptance.

He misses his friends like hell and still wants get out of here as soon as possible, sure, but things could be worse.

 

* * *

 

 

5) Sabaody (post-timeskip)

 

They say that returning to a familiar place after you’ve been gone for a long time is a great way to see how much _you_ have changed.

Seeing Zoro’s face after two long years feels weird in a way Sanji cannot put his finger on. Zoro looks different – he has more muscle and has a cool scar that makes Sanji feel some sort of way – but that’s not the only thing that’s different about him. His aura, the energy surrounding him, has also changed. He seems even stronger than he was before, like he has matured.

Sanji knows that he, too, has changed. He is not the same person that left this island those two years ago. Whether he has changed for better or for worse, he’s not yet sure. Time will have to tell.

While being reunited with Zoro feels a little weird, it also makes his heart sing. Sanji didn’t fully realize exactly how much he missed Zoro until this very moment. He’s going through about twenty different emotions all at once, but the most prominent of them all is relief. He’s relieved that they both made it here in one piece and that Zoro didn’t manage to get himself killed, because that is something he was genuinely worried about.

It is clear, however, that some things never change. Deep down Zoro is still the same moss-brained idiot as ever, and getting into stupid arguments with him is still all too easy – though, in Sanji’s defense, this one is on Zoro. How stupid do you have to be to get on a pirate ship instead of a fishing boat, anyway?

“Forget it, you big dumb brute!”

“Why?! Why do I have to listen to the likes of you, anyway?!”

“What, you think I’m hanging around with you ‘cause I want to?! Hah, I just don’t trust you enough to leave you wandering around this damn island again, you brainless marimo!”

While Sanji is annoyed with Zoro, he has to admit that there’s something almost comforting about arguing with him. It feels familiar and in some really weird way, that makes him feel good. He was worried that spending so much time apart would make things different between them – different in a negative way. What if Zoro had turned into a complete stranger, someone Sanji couldn’t recognize anymore? What if _he_ had turned into someone Zoro wanted absolutely nothing to do with?

He’s so thankful that doesn’t seem to be the case.

He’s so thankful that this feels like one of their usual fights – they’re bickering back and forth but there’s no real poison behind the words they are saying.

He’s so thankful that the universe decided to give him this chance and determined not to waste it.

“I’m number 1. I don’t need this kind of crap from you, number 7.”

“What, are you turning the order we arrived into some kind of ranking?! Don’t get all high-and-mighty just because by some miracle you actually managed to get here first!”

“Sure, whatever. Number 7.”

On second thought, maybe Sanji wouldn’t mind it terribly if Zoro had changed just a _little_ bit more.

 

* * *

 

 

Extra

 

“Hey.”

Zoro raises an eyebrow at him but doesn’t say anything, just acknowledges him with a nod as Sanji takes a seat next to him and lights a cigarette.

It’s quiet in the crow’s nest. They’re so far away from the hustle and bustle of the world that it almost feels like they’re all alone in the universe, with nothing but the stars and the moon to keep them company. Sanji decides that he likes that feeling.

For a long moment they just sit there in complete silence, but it’s a comfortable silence. A part of him doesn’t want to break that silence, but Sanji knows that if he doesn’t speak up now, he never will. This is the perfect time and place, he just needs to get his act together and do it.

“You know,” Sanji starts, trying not to stumble over his words. He knows what he wants to say, he just doesn’t know how to say it – or how Zoro will react to it, for that matter. “I- I’m really glad that you’re here. And that you’re okay. I mean, obviously I’m glad that everyone’s okay, but you know…”

He worries his bottom lip between his teeth, trying to figure out what his next words should be. He wants to be clear but not too obvious; he doesn’t want to sound desperate.

“I’m just really glad to see you again. It’s not like I missed you or anything, but–“

“I missed you.”

Sanji’s eyes widen in surprise as he slowly turns his head to look at Zoro, whose face has turned a very unflattering shade of red that does not go together with his hair or clothes at all.

“You what?” Sanji asks stupidly, not even trying to be eloquent.

“I missed you,” Zoro repeats. He’s refusing to make eye contact with Sanji, but his voice doesn’t falter. “Now don’t make me say that again.”

Sanji opens and closes his mouth a few times like a fish on dry land, trying to process this new information and make sure he’s not misinterpreting it. It’s not exactly a confession but Zoro sure is making sound like one, isn’t he? Does that mean that he missed Sanji the way Sanji missed him? Is it even possible that he could get so lucky?

“You missed me? Like, actually missed me? You wished you could see me?”

“Isn’t that what missing someone usually means?” Zoro says, rolling his eyes and giving an exaggerated sigh. “Did you hurt you head and somehow become even dumber than you used to be, curly?”

“Look who’s talking,” Sanji scoffs. “You are aware that you’re still dumber than a pile of rocks, right? I mean, how stupid do you have to be to get on a pirate ship instead of a fishing boat? Honestly, sometimes I wonder what I even like you–“

“You like me?”

The grin on Zoro’s face is absolutely infuriating and the sudden change in his attitude make Sanji want to punch him. Why did he have to let himself get caught off-guard like that and give Zoro one more thing to be smug about? This is not how he was planning to confess his feelings to Zoro. Then again, he probably should have known that Zoro would once again ruin everything.

“Shut up, marimo.”

“Make me.”

Sanji gives Zoro a death glare and briefly considers kicking his ass, but decides against it and grabs him by the collar to kiss him instead.

Nothing he has experienced in his life compares to the feeling of Zoro’s lips against his own and the taste of him on his tongue. He never thought that simply kissing someone would be enough to make him feel lightheaded but here he is, feeling dizzy in a surprisingly pleasant way. It’s even better than he imagined, and Sanji has spent a lot of time thinking about kissing Zoro.

And doing a whole lot of other things with him, but he’s sure they will get to that part eventually.

“You’re a dumbass,” Sanji whispers when their lips finally part.

“You’re even dumber for liking me.”

“Just shut up and kiss me again before I kick your ass.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you happen to have any Zosan requests, please let me know! I'm short on ideas at the moment but I really adore these two, and I think getting requests might get my creative juices flowing again :)


End file.
